About me? Lately I have been very bothered by the things that happened around me, both concrete and abstract. What I mean by concrete is the things I see; I observe with my naked eye. And what I mean by abstract is, what I will classify as, something imaginary or “electronic.” I’ve been bothered by the fact that my “demons” are visiting me lately and I do not know how to deal with it. So, by writing things about me and my experience, I will at least get a sense of relief by pouring my heart out.

I hate a lot. Honestly I do and do not you deny that you do not hate because in every person’s heart exists a form of hate. Hate is such a strong word and I rarely to use it. But on this situation, the usage of this wretched word is appropriate.

Amongst other things, I hate liars. I dislike thieves, boasters, show-offs, etc. But liars? I truly hate them. A liar -- it is such a general classification, as I would say. The coverage of such title ranges from plagiarizers to cold-blooded, heartless deceivers. And what I hate the most are liars who lie in front of your face, knowing the fact that they know that you know they are lying. You get me? I just fuckin’ hate it! It makes you feel like you are in a lower level as them, like a fuckin’ bug being squashed by their shoes. It insults my fuckin’ intelligence! I know I’m not the smartest guy in the world but if you get the idea that you were caught red-handed, then shut the fuck up and stop lying already! It hurts when someone you truly trust does that to you and it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. I thought you were in my side. I thought you told me to trust you. But in the end, I found out that the last statement was false. Shit, I do not believe you even lied about that. That is just cold!

Lying is a very common offense and I easily forgive people who lie to me because of that reason. I admit it – I lie also… everybody does. But trust me, when you did something bad to me, say sorry and everything will be just fine. And you know what? Even though it is not my fault I will be the one who will come up to you and say that I’m sorry and make myself look bad just to make things right again. But to use deception especially when it deals with you and other peoples’ feelings? It is virtually unforgivable. Because when you are hurt physically, your body will heal itself. But when you are hurt emotionally, there is a chance of not healing.

There are a lot of things people like about. Like for example: their education; the degree they finished; birthday; who their family members are; the way they speak; their mannerism by changing the way they write; the people they know and do not know; etc. It is just funny how people will resort to a certain “false alterations” just to gain attention or maybe just a positive impression of this person. It is also funny how you told me you finished college and by judging by the way you speak, your grammar is just way off. Even your choice of words is awkward! Shit, you just made your claimed alma mater look bad! I even go to that college.

Just to think about it – how did I deserve this kind of treatment? I do not know! Maybe I reek of shit of something! Maybe you think I’m a person who belongs to a lower social class as you just because you’re rich and I’m poor. Maybe it is because I do not suck-up to you hard enough like some kid off-island trying to please you just to get information from concerning “our” special someone? You know what? I do not need to suck up to you! Because I am not naïve like that kid. I am educated, at least more educated than your fat ass! Speaking of that kid, I notice your doing the same to him. How nice! I see you got a lot of victims. I feel bad for him though, although we see each other as competition. I can foresee now, he will be really hurt in the future. Not as much as me though. He told me he was suicidal. But dude, once I found out he killed himself because of your lies, I swear to God I will lose all the respect of you not only as a human but also fuckin’ living thing! Bro, you do not deserve to live! You’re worst than a cockroach! So I advice you to change your ways… because it is not gonna get you anywhere.

Sometimes I just tell myself how I hate my life. I hate myself for allowing this thing to get to me. I mean, come on now, I’m in love with an imaginary person here! A person who was never there; a person I love “electronically.” I have to tell you, your stories made believe that pigs will fly someday or that there will be a blue moon. Because for the likes of me, how could it be true? In the end, I learned that pigs will never fly and that the moon will never be blue because, goddamn, it is common sense! Pigs do not have wings and the moon will never be painted blue!

And to this special person, I am disappointed in you. Not by the fact that you are a burnt deal, not because you made me waste time and effort in writing and thinking of you, but for letting your cousin lie to me. You know about it and let you him. It is cruel. I thought you hated me that’s why you let him do that to me. But I maybe it is because you did not know about it. Or maybe your just insensitive of my feelings. Or maybe you really did hate me. I honestly do not know. Because, you know why? I do not fuckin’ know you! You get it? Yeah you should because I never did feel loved I never did feel you thought of me. Not to mention the fact that you never communicated with me. It is like whenever I write it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall. I do not mean to be mean but I think I know why your past lovers left you – maybe you do not know how to love. You ever notice why your life is full of shit? I am not a Buddhist or a Hindu but I do believe in karma! Man I have more to say but the pain of just thinking about it hurts me. So if ever you’re reading this, I guess, it is good-bye forever. The time when I finally let you go, I noticed the fat monkey that’s been bothering me for a year now is off my back.

“Batu-bato sa langit! Ang matamaan huwag magagalit!”

It is a famous Tagalog quote used in the news. It literally means, “Keep throwing stones in the sky… to whomever they hit do not get mad!” LOL it is a funny translation but I did my best. But in the hearts of the Filipinos we have an authentic meaning to it because we can all relate to it. But to me it means that if I offended you with what I say, do not be mad because it will only show that what I said was true.  So do not be mad when you read this. It will only confirm my claims.

I thank you for bearing with me. I hope no one reads this for it will only show my vulnerability. Shit I hate it when I feel weak. I hate it when people see me sad, because all the time I have this stupid smile on my face. No more though, because I want to change to a better, stronger person… I wonder how I will do? Shit I feel like I won’t stand my ground again, always falling into temptations. But to think about it I am only human and I know I will fall again. Will I end up happy this time? Will I end up pouring my heart out again to make me feel better? If ever I end up sad again, I wish it would be like this. It is much more bearable. And also I learned something from it.